


Gladio decides to be absent to be emo and paint his nails and listen to My Chemical Romance when the rest of his squad is in HUGE trouble

by Ajalea



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Not to be taken seriously, chicken nuggets, idiocy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 18:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15225477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ajalea/pseuds/Ajalea
Summary: Once upon a time, in the ffxv world, Noctis and his trusted friends were out and about, ready to slay some goddamn annoying chickens. Since the writer of this little story doesn't know any other names*, it's gonna be a short one. Gladio, one of those trusted friends of Noctis, has gone away for a bit to be super emo and listen to My Chemical Romance and cover his bare chest in black shirts with holes in them and paint his nails the darkest black. Naturally, on the moments you least want it, something goes wrong and at the most pressing of times, a bone is broken.*after writing this very brief summary, the friend I was writing this for gave me the names of the four people in this story and that was it. I literally know nothing about ffxv, or any other ff game.See A/N for more notes! The rating is Teens&up for some (elaborate) swearing, the rest is 100% safe to read.





	Gladio decides to be absent to be emo and paint his nails and listen to My Chemical Romance when the rest of his squad is in HUGE trouble

**Author's Note:**

> So last week a friend and I were talking. She was trying to write and I was supposed to clean my room, but since I sometimes try to be a nice friend, I wanted to help her start and wrote the summary you've just read. And then continued. And finished and edited it. I left the lay-out the same way I used it to send it to my friend, because I like it most that way (sorry for the that probably!)
> 
> PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY thank you :'D 
> 
> My friend told me while I was editing this that the chickens mentioned could be called Cockatrice and I just?? Is this game even real?? 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

It all started with a blister. Noctis, in all his years of being a prince and being all ~fancy~ and pampered and shit in his castle in a kingdom that was tortured by evil murderous chickens, had never had a blister before. Now he had a blister on his little toe. Said toe had felt a little uncomfortable for a few minutes before Noctis was curious enough to address it. It was only after he had removed his boot that he realized how much it hurt. Since princes shouldn't curse, he politely asked Ignis why _in the everlasting fuck_ Gladio had chosen that moment to be emo and listen to My Chemical Romance and not protect him from that fucking blister. Ignis didn't know, or rather, he said he didn't know because he knows better than inform the prince of his own mistake of wearing new boots (a size too small for him too, can you believe it) for the first time to a chicken slaughter party. Prompto of course laughed behind Noctis' back, which earned him an amused glance from Ignis. Since Noctis couldn’t see what Prompto was doing, he didn’t react to it. Instead, he wondered which of the many gods he had angered to earn himself a blister on his little toe. At least he didn’t have to be reassured he was going to die, something Ignis told Noctis was what Noctis’ dad had thought when he got his first extremely major injury: a stubbed toe. (it had first occurred later in Noctis’ dad’s life and would only get it three more times after he had recovered. It was never deadly, so he didn’t care to mention it to his son. Ever.)

Prompto being secretly laughing didn't last very long, because Noctis is a Smart Boy™ and Prompto was kinda laughing out loud after the first few seconds of smiling secretively. Which, you know, gave him away a little. Noctis, in all his pain and sudden but extreme rage (and maybe in a little of an emo mood) hit Prompto in the shoulder to make him stop laughing. That didn't help. At all. If anything, Prompto laughed even harder. If Noctis had the ability, he would have rage quit then and there, but unfortunately for him, he couldn't. He was stuck with the most unhelpful Prompto and the trying-to-please-his-prince-friend Ignis while Gladio, the big and evil-looking teddy bear, was still very much absent, in all the ten seconds that it took for Noctis to get a blister, listening to My Chemical Romance, currently painting his toenails the blackest black, made by that Kapoor dude that everyone hates and whose color Gladio isn’t technically allowed to use but since he exists in another world, he has a ‘fuck it’ attitude toward him. Not to say Gladio doesn’t have a ‘fuck it’ attitude toward nearly everything and everyone, because he does, it’s just that that Kapoor dude deserves it a little more than some others. Ignis acted like the perfect replacement for Gladio (maybe he hoped for a job opening coming up very soon to replace a certain emo who was listening to My Chemical Romance and certainly wasn’t killing any evil murderous chickens) and let the first aid kit magically appear. That is a thing in this world. Noctis, who wanted to make yummy chicken nuggets from the evil murderous chickens that were being evil and murdering people all over _his_ kingdom, received his first ever band-aid. This band-aid was very special, because it had a stuffed animal on it (a teddy bear) with Gladio’s haircut. Noctis didn’t know these existed, nor that the pain wouldn’t go away as magically as the first aid kit had appeared. Apparently even princes can learn something every day.

Prompto, the ever so very good bff of Noctis, even gave Noctis' little toe a kiss to make him feel better. (a small note: he didn't really kiss Noctis' toe, because that's gross. Ew. No, he placed a carefully calculated kiss just above the blister. He wouldn’t dare touch that blister with his hands, let alone _with his beautifully shaped lips_.) Noctis didn't notice the difference (he was in a lot of pain after all) and yet immediately felt better. Bless the placebo effect. Thankfully so, because they were still in the evil murderous chicken territory and they could be attacked any second. Imagine you’re only seconds away from death and you’re just admiring a band-aid because it looks amusing. Wouldn’t be your best idea. Now that Noctis was (kissed) better, they continued onward to find and kill some evil murderous chickens. It wasn't long after, that Prompto dared to look away from his super bpff (best prince friend forever), because he was afraid Noctis might die from sepsis from that blister, or something like it. Death is everywhere, his father always told him. Prompto remembered his father's depressing words like he said it yesterday. Which might have been the case, Prompto didn't know. He was too drunk yesterday to remember most of that day (or remember anything except the drink in his hand to be honest). His father's words taken in account, along with the fact that Gladio was still being an evil cuddle bear loner somewhere that wasn't near them, should have been some pretty fucking obvious signs that things were about to go even more wrong than just a blister on Noctis’ little toe.

Iggy hasn't made an appearance for a few minutes and wanted his moment of fame too. To do this, he ran ahead of his teammates, unafraid of the evil murdering chickens that were totally gonna be chicken nuggets by the end of the day. There was a huge cliff (and this writer means HUUUUGE, like, you could put a never-ending tree at the bottom and you would be able to look over the top) and Iggy thought it was smart to stand at the edge. Surprisingly, there actually was a never-ending tree rooted at the bottom of the cliff. Noctis didn't like that and ran after him, silently (read: very very loudly) cursing himself for getting a blister on his sensitive little toe while wearing his new boots, which definitely put a damper on his mood. Just a small one. Prompto could only follow his favorite friend (no offense Iggy&Gladio, but actually yes offense). As Noctis arrived at Iggy's side, he looked over the top of the aforementioned never-ending tree and said to his friends that he wished the-still-painting-his-nails-how-long-can-that-take-you-for-fucks-sake-Gladio-you-suck-at-painting-your-nails Gladio was able to see this super gorgeous view. Somewhere, many _many_ miles away, Gladio sneezed, obviously not because Noctis just mentioned him, no waaaaaay. Things like that have never been scientifically proven, so obviously it wasn’t possible in this made up realm. Well, unlike magical first aid kits appearing out of nowhere. Or magic in general. In some reals perhaps people didn't have magic, those poor losers. Anyway, Prompto, being late as ever to every party ever, arrived as well and stood next to Noctis, who was standing next to Ignis. You know that game “Connect Four”? It was like that, but with only three, because Gladio was too emo to join the party.

Together they had a few of those very quiet but important scenes where people stand together staring into the distance, thinking of nothing but slaying their enemies and finding peace in their pained lives. (let’s be real, every show that is not a sitcom has at least one of these at some point and it’s equally funny and annoying.) For Noctis, the ‘pained’ part was still about that blister. For Prompto, this was about his chicken nugget cravings and the best way to make them from the evil murderous chickens. (the writer of this thing agrees about the chicken nuggets) And Iggy? Iggy just wanted sleep if he was perfectly honest. (writer says also same to this) Had he said it out loud, he would have gotten a simultaneous "same" in return. But he didn't, so he acted like he wasn't nearly dying from sleep deprivation. (aren’t we all?) Someday he would get an Oscar for looking awake while sleepwalking, he just knew it. They stood there, being quiet, thinking about sleep and food and slaying some evil murderous chickens, when Noctis finally had enough. He missed his second to Prompto (and maybe Iggy idk) bff Gladio. That fucker didn't even jump up from behind that tiny rock right next to the golden trio, surprising them that he was finally done being emo and was finally ready to move on from listening to the first several notes of The Black Parade (by My Chemical Romance). But no, he was still off somewhere doing what emo loners do together, but on his own, you know, like a loner. At the same moment Noctis turned to Iggy next to him, turning away from the cliff, Iggy reached, maybe a little too forcefully, for his shoulder and maaaaaaybe he punched Noctis in the shoulder. Or maybe it was his face. To Noctis is must have felt like a breeze. Or a tornado. Who knows. Iggy had trouble telling whether he punched Noctis in the shoulder or the face and Prompto was still being mindlessly (and emotionally) absent, thinking about chicken nuggets and evil murderous chickens. Noctis let out a scream a normal prince wouldn't – or shouldn’t – let out, mind you. Lucky for Noctis, he wasn’t normal. In the battle songs that would sound in the centuries that would come, his war cry would be described as a soul crushing, bone shattering and spirit breaking wail of super sadness. His arms moved through the air (along with the rest of his body, unsurprisingly) and he fell of the cliff. It looked pretty idiotic. Sadly, Prompto didn't notice really, being mentally absent and all. Iggy basically just stared, kinda baffled that he just murdered his prince-friend instead of those evil murderous chickens that were gonna be chicken nuggets. But he was in luck, because the never-ending tree magically ended just below them. So much for a “never-ending” tree… It didn't matter though, because Noctis got away unharmed. For the most part at least. He fell on the top of the tree, almost (""almost"" aka very much) like a cartoon character and managed to wrap his arms around the trunk (that was very small at the top but got wider really fast, like one of those cones you see in math books you have in middle school or something) and slowed (and slid) down. Now he had another reason to let out his so-called battle cry: he broke his pinky finger when his hand ‘brushed’ one of the branches. Obviously that finger is the one that hurts most when it breaks into a million pieces. Noctis knew that piece of information, we should trust him, he was an expert. When he looked up, it turned out he wasn't that far down the top of the cliff, where Iggy was still staring and Prompto was still dreaming. To Noctis, it had seemed to him he had fallen hours and hours. Maybe he had fallen in a space/time black hole or something, that made him fall for hours while no one else noticed a thing. Certainly that was possible, wasn’t it? Anything else was plainly untrue. Iggy threatened Prompto to take away his chicken nugget making license if he didn't help him pull Noctis up. That finally made Prompto wake up. He had missed the whole thing. With this perfect threat, Prompto was forced to help. While they pulled up their prince, said prince was screaming death and murder and pain and wished death upon all never-ending trees. And the normal trees. And plants. And everything green while he was at it. No one mentioned that Noctis didn’t mention any cliffs or friends. Iggy and Prompto just let him be, it kinda reminded them of that one time Noctis almost killed himself by being drunk and running around naked with a sword. Which might have happened the day before. No one could say for sure at this moment. Or any moment. Finally, after even more hours stuck in that tree (it was a full minute in all the other timelines) Noctis was back on the ground. The ground of the cliff he stood on when he was pushed off by Iggy. Iggy tried to explain there was a butterfly on Noctis' shoulder and that he wanted to shoo it away, but Noctis didn't believe that, as he loved butterflies and didn't want anyone to shoo them away. If anything, he wanted the butterfly to stay on his body. Meanwhile, Prompto had gone back to daydreaming and being very absent. It was sort of becoming a theme. Iggy examined Noctis' pinky finger, decided it was broken, had the first aid kit magically appear again and fixed it in a heartbeat. When that was done, they gave up on hunting the evil murderous chickens for the day, since Noctis getting injured was really tiring for all of them and Gladio was 10000x better at handling that than they were together. They went back to where they came from, where Noctis was going to brood on the lyrics for his new battle song. Meanwhile, it took Gladio two weeks to get over his My Chemical Romance-phase and two more weeks to find his way back from his emo loner cave back to the squad. But when he did, he joined Noctis, Prompto and Ignis to hunt some goddamn evil murderous chickens _and they made the best chicken nuggets **ever**_.

**Author's Note:**

> I pray that you enjoyed the adventures of Noctis and his two trusted friends (because Gladio remained pretty absent overall). Truth be told, I sadly don't think I will ever top this fic humor-wise.
> 
> If you liked this, can you maybe leave kudos/a comment? My crops are low-key dying for attention :)) 
> 
> I hope you have a nice day!


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